saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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