Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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