I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
