I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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