You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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