I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
