how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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