It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
