Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
