weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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