worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
