i just wanna soil my oats bro
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
