Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
