I think I am morally bankrupt
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
