can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
