Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
