She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
