please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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