My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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