the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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