I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
