Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
