I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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