Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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