dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
