I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
