It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
