nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
