I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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