my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm really busy with my period
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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