So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
