3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
