it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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