I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
