I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
