i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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