if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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