"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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