i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
