He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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