i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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