If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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