turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
