I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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