I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
