I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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