Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
