guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
