I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
