I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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